Spring Cleanin

I'm ready for a change. Something. Just when I become comfortable with who I am, something has to change. I guess I'm restless.

These photos on one of my favorite blogs, BLOW, just made me miss my artificial world. The world where I did run away at sixteen. The one where I did hitchhike through the Appalachians. The one where I did end up in Florida. The one where I did smoke cigarettes with my one lover. The one where we did sit on the beach and watch the sunset and rise again just like home. The one where we had one too many scares, and we had one too many failures, and far too many lost jobs. We don't care we're going nowhere because we go somewhere else every month or so.

I'm on the right track. According to society, I'm doing the right thing. But sometimes, I'm jealous as hell of the carefree souls who live life without plans or hope and just live for the warm sunshine through the windows in the morning and the cool open sky at night.

When I'm too busy, all I see is my planner and a post-it note of to-do's. I hate that kind of life. Slow down, take it in. Be stupid, make mistakes, learn from them, kiss gently, then kiss hard and long. Walk backwards, see something you've never seen before.

I think I did that this fall. At the end of the semester, I was sick of it though, so sick. I ended up in way too much trouble and heartache than I wanted. I can't find a balance. The last thing I think I ever want to become is wrapped up in my work so much I miss the hearts walking past.

I can't listen to this new voicemail on my phone until 7pm because I'm out of anytime minutes. Lame.

Soundtrack to this post: my friend's cousin's band. THEY are adorable.

Instances

It's so insane how you can just "run into" people. Especially if you were just talking or thinking about them just a moment before. Life amazes me.

A lot on my mind. This week is about to fly by, I call it.

I need to actually get back to talking about fashion on here. This was meant to be a fashion blog... not my life ramblings. It happens, I guess.


Photo Cred.
Thinking what would have happened. Wondering why things work out the way they do.

About Me, Art, Life

I'm on such a high, nothing can pull my ankles back into the dirt. When I wake in the morning, the air feels crisp and fresh. My tired eyes look out the window with hope and excitement. I'm loving life so much these past few days. I want the hours to keep lasting as long as they do. I may be tired physically, but my appetite for life does not leave me. I've missed feeling this alive. I think I was in such a coma the last few years, now I'm leaving my cocoon with fresh legs.

Went to a gallery opening tonight and listened to the artist speak. Felt like I was back home at the studios. It was glorious. The crowd you find at such an exhibit can be flaky or deep as ever, which I think is part of the fun. Reminds me of the scene in Closer. At the photographer's exhibit. Such a beautiful scene. Such a beautiful movie really. Plus the cast is perfect.

Anyway, after everything I've been through, I feel revived. This hunger for doing something worthwhile and measurable, it's so intense. I never want it to leave. I think it's just a sign that I'm finally doing the right things with my life. I'm back in art. Home. I never want to leave it. It fills me up.

Life is good. Hope your's is too.

Voici des photos de moi, tres content ici.

Cold Nights, Snow Fights, Drunken Heights

Tonight I finished my first drawing for my class. I felt surprisingly confident with the end result. Although not completely satisfied with the overall layout and composition, it felt good to be closer to better line quality and clarity.

The snow is melting today and it's kind of sad. I miss my blanketed earth with the marks of animals scampering around on the ground. I miss watching my hot breath leave my lungs and seep into the black night.

Had a great weekend with 3 of the greatest friends I've ever had. We laughed so hard we cried. We drank so much we passed out on strangers beds. It was a beautiful thing coming back to my room at 2am and seeing all of them squished onto my futon, passed out under the soft, chinese lantern lights. One I met before my memory begins. One I met on the best night of my life. One was the tiny hello in the large hall. My girls. I know our paths may never come together for such a weekend again, but while it lasted, it was such a beautiful thing.

Laundry and reading tonight, library and drawing tomorrow.
It's so good to get back to the life I missed.

Don't Quit

Don't quit when the tide is lowest,
For it is just about to turn

Don't quit over doubts and questions,
For there's something you may learn.

Don't quit when the night is darkest,
For it's just a while 'til dawn.

Don't quit when you've run the farthest,
For the race is almost won.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest,
For your goal is almost nigh.

Don't quit for you're not a failure until you fail to try.


From a poet, to a kindergartner, to me, to you.

Art classes start Tuesday. My work-outs start tomorrow.

Photo cred.

Something to Ponder

Sexiness for everyone from Glow Berlin on Vimeo.

9 Degrees and Foggy in Paris

Well, vacation is over. So it's back to the crazy campus life.
Wish me luck.

Photo cred.

Addict

Lookbookkk. I love people.

Expectations

What I want out of 2010 in a nutshell.







photo creds.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

We Are Always Running for the Thrill of It

Happy New Year everyone. Hope you had a good one.

After my plans for Florida fell through, my best friend and I decided to hightail it to Indy for a few days for New Years. Had a really great time. I'm not sure why I never looked into going to school there instead; downtown Indy has so many buildings with that old feel I love. I can see myself living in one of those shabby apartments so easily. Someday. Someday I'll have a real place of my own.

We managed to spend a little time down at Broad Ripple. Went to a few local stores, a neat little bagel and sandwich place, and hit up the Egyptian hookah bar for our last night on the town. It was the perfect way to wrap up our trip, munching on some pita bread with hummus, lounging around listening to the Arabic tunes. It felt picturesque, if that makes sense.

So, sadly December has come to a close. Despite the fact that New Year's is my favorite holiday, January is my least favorite month. Boooo.

Here are some pictures from the crazy night, including our cheesy four-way new years kiss and me scuffing up the bathroom floor, which I'm embarrassed to say I vaguely remember. Also you can see my awesome ankle boots. It was definitely a night none of us are going to forget anytime soon...well, what we remember from it now we won't. ;]

La Maison et La Vie

Home is frustrating. I'm bored here now. I know that I fell in love with this city before I left, but now I feel so disconnected to it, and it's sad really. I'm going to try to figure it out.

Hopefully when I study abroad I can take this class called Space, Time, and Place. These concepts have always intrigued me. It's so weird for me to think that there are all these places I've been that just stay put when you leave them.

Photo cred.

Ma vingt-huit, encore.

It falls so gently, heavy and deep.
It pangs me to think of this time.

Down.
Down.
Down.
I wanted you to hold me gently down,
Keeping it all away from me.
But you held me up,
Showing me the bravery in having courage.
So instead I looked up,
Up,
Up,
Up,
To watch more come to me,
Like a magnetic force,
Like white dabs on a black canvas.

Hopeful, I trudge on in the mounds of winter.
Your youth gave my age reason to believe itself.
Our memories are just that, memories.


listening to: Roslyn - Bon Iver & St. Vincent

photo cred.

Nocturnal

Sorry to be so emo lately. I don't know what the deal is!

It's 5:33a.m. and I'm not sure why I'm still awake, but what the hell... it's winter break right?!

Currently:
Looking forward to - going back to school, getting back to a schedule, Christmas & New Year's
Listening to - my parakeets chirping and pleading me to turn out the light
Reading - blogs, shamefully no novels but on my to-do list
Thinking about - reconsidering my take on long distance relationships...he's a good guy!
Eating - nothing, but my diet did not go so well today as I am a sucker for cheap food
Regretting - the fact that I'm becoming nocturnal
Wearing - shorts and a white tee
Texting - two special guys
Craving - that awkwardly furry black vest at XXI, more vintage jewelry, curtains for this room...
Planning - who I'm gonna get crunk with on New Year's
Watching - minutes tick by...why am I not just pulling an all-nighter?!
Loving - the snow, being young and on vacation

Blegh. Night.


I love this photo; reminds me of Lost In Translation.
Photo cred.

Simplify.

Everything is so complicated. So elaborate. There are a billion ways to go in life. Choice is so daunting. Some things I can boil down to one simple choice which changed my life forever. And then I get to thinking about all the times a single simple decision changed my life forever and I'm not even aware of it now. Good gravy. This is why I'm jealous of the elderly. They can sit back and enjoy the simplicities of life. I want to do that, but I'm too busy worrying about my job, and my ex-boyfriend, and my classes, and my health, and my plans for this weekend, and my family. I want to simplify it all, without the use of illegal substances. Is this possible? Or is this state of mind something I'm just going to have to get use to? Who has the answer?

Listening to Bon Iver. And I'm not your skinny love anymore, breaks my heart.

Oie, life be bitchin'. Flowers because they are equally as romantic and depressing as choices.

Photo cred 1, 2.

I'll Try Anything Once

Ten decisions shape your life,
you'll be aware of 5 about,
7 ways to go through school,
either you're noticed or left out,
7 ways to get ahead,
7 reasons to drop round,
when i said ' I can see me in your eyes',
you said 'I can see you in my bed',
that's not just friendship that's romance too,
you like music we can dance to,

Sit me down,
Shut me up,
i'll calm down,
and i'll get along with you.

The Strokes, this song, I'll Try Anything Once, I'm addicted.
* correction... is the song called you only live once?


This morning at breakfast an older man asked me "Hey honey, where you get those beautiful blue eyes from?" I had barely noticed him and he was already asking me. Fuck. Why?
It's like torture. The one thing everyone notices is my eyes. All I said was, "Thank you," as I kept walking through the doors, a side smile in disbelief.
Then he was so shocked that I kept walking. He asked again, "From your Dad?" as if it were really bothering him that he didn't know. Both of my parents have brown eyes. I guess I get them from my grandparents, but I wouldn't know.

Creepy as fuck. Leave me alone...you know?

When I woke up this morning, way early, and I was thankful. One of those rare times when you can wake up in the morning and not be annoyed or half asleep even though you are running on about 3 hours of sleep. It was just, pleasant feeling. I told myself I was most thankful for my healthy body. With all of its imperfections and highlights, I was happy to be in this body. It's a great thing to feel when you are 18 and alone.

I'm going home in the morning. I've got about ten boxes to go home, for a 3 week vacation. I plan on bringing back 7. I've got too much stuff so I'm going to get rid of some of it. Riding back with my brother. It's been too long since I last saw him. God, it's good to have family.

Happy Holidays :]


Photo cred.

Sea Therapy

Feeling all right tonight. Decided I'm going to Florida for sure. The sea is therapy for everybody, and I always liked traveling. I'm excited to wear sandals and summery dresses again for a short while. As long as it's warm enough. Oh and a bikini and cardigan mix. I can def picture it now, sitting at the edge of the Atlantic with my iPod and a raspberry iced tea. It has definitely been too long since I last sat in some sand.

I'm hoping to get a camera for Christmas so I can take lots of pictures while I'm there. Pictures to post as well :] I really enjoy photographs. It's like a piece of the places you've been that you can keep forever. I always say I want to go back to a certain time or memory. At least with a photograph you can kind of go back.

Sad that I won't be spending New Year's with my friends at home. It's okay though, won't be the first time.

I'm looking forward to making it back to campus after break. I like it here. It's a good temporary home. I'm finding out it is easier to like it as the year continues. Helps this is a good night. Cozy little room, like a restaurant with mood lighting but everybody is studying instead of eating. And my soundtrack is good...

"I traveled all the world in search of you. I walked through Paris in the rain. I sipped champagne in Hollywood. They're all just hollow shells. They're all just hollow shells without you around."

Photo cred.

What Was Your Most Alive Decision Today?

"Maybe home is a thought not a place; you can move and you're still safe."

Darling ever since you left me, you left me wanting more of you.
I've tried to fill the emptiness with the coolness of the night and his wallet on my alarm clock.
Every time my lips touch another, I can't feel the same as I have with you.
I know you feel it too.
Cradle me like you did before.

Look at me how you did before.
Tell me everything is all right because I can't see straight and I can't let go - you have me and I have you.

Watching the sunset only reminds me of the night you left me here in this town;
It's empty now without you.
I've tried to fill the emptiness with the coolness of the night and his wallet on my alarm clock.

05-27-2009

Found this in my diary. Means more to me now than ever.

Photo cred.

Fool Me Once...

Fell for it again. The whole "most beautiful eyes" line. God. Except this time it was a stream of poetic compliments and then my favorite, "let me see those eyes." Rich, they are all rich.

Any guy who tells you that you have the most beautiful eyes in the world the first night you meet him is a trap. Just let him go.

Photo cred. [edited]

Lost Love

When your heart feels empty, fill your brain for awhile.

Photo cred.

Marion Bridge

Yann Tiersen & an indie film.
Spending the evening through the thin windows,
Hidden from the red, winter sky.

I want to understand.
Captivating stories, ending happily,
Isn't that easy.
After the credits we have to keep on.
Wouldn't it be easier if it just ended panning the setting sun?
Trudging through the rest of our Hours.

Large and small.
I want the world but I want serenity.

Photo credit. [edited]

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Je Voudrais Bien Avoir

I would like a cat. Very much so. Specifically one that doesn't pester my birds. Then I'd like to finally get a nose ring. Also I'd read more books. And tone my stomach. How about a big leap and finally pay to get my hair professionally colored... and cut at the same time haha.

Happy December. Let's be thankful now.


Photo cred.

Leavin' Home, Again.

Going back to school tomorrow. It's 2:41am. I should be sleeping if I'm going to try to leave by 10. But I don't know. I just don't feel ready. Worst visit home, but I'm still not ready to leave.

Then again, I'm ready to go home. More than ready to get back to my crazy new life.

Talk about bipolar emotions. And this continuous headache. And new cough maybe. Joy.

Photo cred & merci pour la belle photo.

Vienna Amour

They say Vienna is the most beautiful city in the world, but what I didn't know was that the boys...are gorgeous.

Shop, Shop, Shop

As winter settles in here in the midwest, I must re-evaluate my winter wardrobe... aka, shopping in the hometown tomorrow :]

Terribly excited. Will surely post pictures of my purchases, new outfits.

Outfit for thought: thanks to Copenhagen Street Style.

Je Vais Bien; Ne T'en Fais Pas

Last day here before Thanksgiving break. Thank the Lord. Never thought I would be homesick, but here I am, sick as a dog. Oh, and dying to go shopping.

I keep meaning to upload photos of my outfits, as that seems to be what people want in a fashion blog these days. (I love how I say these days even though fashion blogging is relatively new. Niceee haha.)

I've got a ton of dirty laundry and seriously hardly a thing to wear home in the morning. Might as well wear my leotard straight home from ballet.

Ugh. Ballet at 7:30... a mere 6 hours from now. I guess I forgot people are actually suppose to sleep at night. Oh well, I mean I probably would have been lying awake right now even if I had try to go to sleep.

Insomnia hits me like a bitch slap.

As far as news goes, turns out I'm not studying abroad for at least one more year. Getting an apartment instead. Cannot wait to have a home of my own finally! There will surely be pics. I'm determined to make my future home a freakin piece of art itself.

Photo cred.

Compliments and Candy

It always starts with an excitement.
It ends with a long walk home, this time solo.

I asked him to walk me home, be a gentleman, you know. He said he was too drunk. Part of me believed him, as his eyes told that. Part of me identified his slick laziness and chauvinistic pig ways. Either way I was fine with it and decided it was for the best, as I don't think I really wanted him to end up at my place either, although it would have been entertaining to see the look on the face of my oh so distant roommate.

"You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." Not the first time I've been told this, hopefully won't be the last. The key to this was deciphering the sincerity of the remark. We had moved from the benches of the dance floor with the cheesy colored lights and distractingly loud music to the executive room with high-backed, quality foam seated swirling chairs. Legs spread, back against the wall, he held me at his waist, high off the ground as he was tall like me. He continued with the compliments, but the neediness in his voice was starting to annoy me. He smelled good and told me I was beautiful, and he was certainly more than relatively attractive, so I let him continue. We didn't sleep together, God no. He had sweet talked way too many girls like this before me, and I was well aware. To my Charismatic Wonderboy, I knew your game the whole time. Really any guy who ever wants a guarantee lay should take lessons from this guy. He could tell most girls the world was going to end and I'm sure they all would believe it, not to mention what they'd do for him before this "end of the world". But then again, most girls who end up at these frats really are that ridiculous. I like to think of myself as an exception thank you very much.

He wanted me to go away with him for a 2 day trip to Michigan. Fucking glorious. This kid had so much bull shit spewing out of his mouth I wouldn't be surprised if it was coming out his ass too. Sure, he might have wanted me to come, but no way in Hell was I really going. I didn't graduate high school with my 4.1 GPA by blowing my teachers.

Here I am, eating Munchies and drinking my Minute Maid Lemonade out of the 2-liter, something that really disgusts me. But I live alone and never have anyone to share my lemonade with so what the hell. My frustration is solely derived from the fact that I left my phone there somewhere. Everything would have been fine if I hadn't left my phone at that goddamn frat. FML.

Onward college life, Onward.

"You Don't Need To Look At The Floor"

Standing tall, surely unsure.
Captivated by the melody and accompanied by the memory.
"You don't need to look at the floor."

With my traveler's lid.
With my dirty boots.
With the chill of the air.
Still unsure.
Confidently insecure.
Wondering if the turning of the leaves brings a change in heart,
Or a change in mind.

He is here.
Where is his heart today?
I do care, I believe.

Waiting for age; how I desire it's thrills.
Leaving this moment I know I'll soon seek to touch once more,
I walk around with eyes strictly peripheral.

photo cred.

Visiting Home

Age is such a funny thing. As an obsessive people-watcher, I find age fascinating. How do we change so much? How do we learn so much? How do we stay so the same? It's a constant, and yet a variable.

I like to watch kids. Especially the age right when they start talking but before they go to school. You can see so much life in their eyes. The people-watcher inside me finds a strong interest in riding the bus (now that I've learned how to properly catch the right one). The other day there must have been 20 children on this bus, and on campus it's rare to see just one or two at a time. I couldn't help but just watch them. I could see them older, envisioning each of their lives ahead of them. It's such a cruel world for such innocent things. Yet there is so much joy; I hope they find it.

I'm the same way with older people. What do they know? What have they seen? Why can't we ask? Their eyes tell their stories as strongly as the youngsters.

Visiting home makes me think a lot about age. Where I've been, where I'm going. It's so fast. Everyone warns you it's fast, but you don't really know it until you turn around. I see my childhood on these walls. I feel incredibly connected and incredibly disconnected to it. I can't touch it or hear it or taste it. I can see it in photographs, but i can't really see it. It's gone. Depressing? A tad. But in all reality this is what I've been waiting for my entire life. We talk about "growing up". I'm here. I'm growing up now. I'm at the genesis of the best years of my life. What do I do now? Live? It sounds so easy, but it's so confusing sometimes. Things never go the way you expect them to. I'm excited yes, but it's such a whirlwind, you never know if you are doing the right thing. But nobody really ever knows. Except for the youngsters. When you are 3 and wearing your ballet tutu, you just are happy. You're just living.