Questioning Tick

3 a.m.
We meet again.
I'm kind of fond of you.
These feelings are strongest,
When I here the tick of your hour.

3 a.m.
We meet again.
I'm kind of fond of you.
Let me close my eyes
so We may dance on until dawn.

Only in dreams do you show your smiles and fears.
You blind me of the absences,
or rub their stench through my cheeks.

Leave my heart alone.
I cling to the imprints left there,
Which you stir with a large, iron spoon.
Stop the wandering.
Stop the wandering.
Stop the wandering.

3 a.m.
We meet again.
I'm kind of fond of you.
These feelings are strongest,
When I hear the questioning tick of your hour.

One More Shot

I need the sun.
I need the warmth to fill me
And to push me.

What are the ingredients for this rebirth?
Faces mesh together;
I feel so far away.
I'm walking blinded by my frustrations.

My hands clasp,
My legs trot,
My lungs stubborn to agree to this wind.
There is life here waiting to be born again.

You Were Right

"Is this really what you want?
Are you just sticking with it now because it's all you've got?"

"You do not have to run and hide from anything at all. You're powerful. Stand inside your power and observe the life that's been presented before you, and whatever insults your soul, send it away."
June 29th, 2008

I wanted her to tell me she would never wake me.

You're a crisis
You're a icicle
You're a tongueless talker
You don't care what you say
You're a jaywalker and you just just walk away
And that's all you do
The clap of the fading out sound of your shoes
Made him wonder who he thought that he knew
Last call

Happy Halloween

Hello again. :]

Four Seasons

This is my last summer at home. Next summer is either summer school or internship. Ditto for the summer after that. I'm only slightly sad thinking about it, mostly because I'm here right now and for the most part people have this odd tendency to never be where they want to be.

I love my room. My room is me. But my house is not home. I think you understand.

August 20th I move back to school. It's been nearly a year since I first started this thing. Crazy to think how far I've come. I'm ready for the next bit of learning and growing. Summer is slow. I've discovered it's only a nice thing for people with money to spend or kids still in grade school. I've said that before so it's no real discovery.

Anyway, I'm yearning for Fall. Such a bold season. The smell of the leaves always gets me. The chill in the air biting at your cheeks. I love it.

I think my middle name should have been something like Restless.

Summer Jams

Went to Chicago a couple weeks ago and saw She & Him at Millennium Park. It was really great. My friend is completely obsessed with Zooey & M.Ward so we had to get really close so she could get herself some pictures, ha ha. Turned out being amazing being smashed right against the front of the stage. It's not really the kind of music you crowd surf to, but these kids sure did!

I honestly didn't know that much about the band before I found out about the concert. I did know that I liked M.Ward and I definitely liked Zooey. So I started listening to their music and I fell in love. Mainly because it actually reminds me of Patsy Cline, a childhood obsession. Sometimes I guess I try to be dyslexic because for months I called her "Pasty Cline". Then my mother kindly corrected me after a few laughs.

Anyway, the similarity kills me! And I love it.

Oh yea, and we decided to be cliche and visit the Sears Tower. :]
Which is something like the Willis Tower now, but whatevs I call it what I want!

I love Chicago. Sometimes I like to think I'll actually live there for awhile eventually.

Kudos to my amigo for the pictures.

Flurry of Sheets

I like the way you make me feel.
That's kind of a corny line.
But sitting naked in your bed,
Listening to the chimes of birds,
And the distant storms...

And then you reach up to my waist
And pull me down into a flurry of sheets.
Laughing as the morning creeps in.
And we let the sun come up,
and make something like pancakes and love-
How could I not say I like the way you make me feel?

Update

I'm on Tumblr.

It's mo fun.

http://novelladivakaruni.tumblr.com/

Sometimes I Fall Asleep Before I Can Brush My Teeth

Sometimes, I don't give a shit about anything. I don't want to go back to work. Don't care if the laundry gets washed. I don't give a damn if I sleep for hours only to wake up and sleep again, and again. Sometimes.

Sometimes I notice my body aging. I don't really mind. I mean I do, but I don't really, sometimes.

Sometimes I cry in the shower. But that just feels necessary, don't you agree? Once in awhile you just let go and let everything you've kept hidden away goes down the drain, standing there stark naked in the water that's turning chilly but you don't give a hoot because you are crying in the shower quietly, which just feels good. Let it out. Then go to bed.

Sometimes you just do.

Where've You Gone?

Two weeks left of school. Spent the last 4 days wasting time and spending the whole night out. I'm equally excited and depressed to be going home. I think I'm very much ready though. I'm ready for something new -- even if it is going home, it is something different. I like change.

I've been neglecting you, Blog. This is only my second post this month. No worries though, I can promise a lot more for May. I think I lost touch with my spiritual side lately. And by that I mean creatively not religiously. It's hard to drive straight in the rain, though.

I'm setting high expectations for myself this summer. I want to do things. I want to feel alive again. I've lost that momentarily. Although I think I can blame that on the alcohol...

Pieces of April

The weather has been perfect. School is getting less stressful. I can feel the end of the school year coming. It's frightening and exciting as well.

By the way, my birthday was last week. :] It's a good time to be 19.

Listening to: "We All Have Our Short Comings" by Alcoholic Faith Mission

Hoping to catch the sunrise in the morning.
Goodnight Moon.

Quick Notes

I feel like this entire month has been such a whirlwind. Even going on vacation I never really relaxed.

Anyway some quick notes.

Fashion show is in 3 weeks. Almost ready for it.

Never put off what you are capable of doing now. I know I've heard that somewhere before. Whoever said it is right.

I think all libraries should be beautiful. It's the one thing my university is really missing. And it depresses the hell out of me. Oh well, there's always this beauty in Vienna I should go visit.

Another Is Coming.

I'm happy now, I think you might be too.
Picked up your guitar like I said you should again, I see.
Just after we parted ways, I got some news you should have known.
But dammit, I couldn't quite arrange my words,
And when I saw you again I dropped dead in my tracks.
You know, you saw me in my awkward stance, sad and doe-eyed and shocked at how
Once you held me in your arms, and now I could barely hold you in my glance.
There is something unsettled here.

It all went so fast.
We met.
We loved.
We left.

You left your hat here in my room.
You won't see it again.
I threw it in the river a few weeks back.
Was that really how things were suppose to go?

It's okay though, I guess. I'll just call you the one that got away
And I'll make blue-eyed babies with a different man.
And spring is coming;

I revel in spring.



Photo Cred.

Hello March.

I feel great. I'm stressed as hell about school, can't keep my mind off of spring break with my grandparents only being 2 weeks away, and not getting enough sleep, but I'm happy as hell. I feel so incredibly alive. I feel young. I'm not sure when I became such an optimist, but I really can't help but enjoy breathing in the air when I walk outside, or opening my eyes in the morning with the most peaceful and yet exciting feeling. Yes, I have my moments as well, but overall, I've never been happier, and I'm not even sure why. Hopefully it's contagious so whoever is reading this can enjoy the thrill as well.

Spring Break I'm flying to Florida with my brother to see my grandparents. It is going to be amazing. I love my family and I can't wait to spend time with my older brother and grandparents. I ordered a few novels today which I plan to read on the plane and at the beach. There's also a huge art exhibit with work from a fashion photographer in a nearby city I think my grandma and I will get to go to, which will be amazing as well. I'm just so excited to see the ocean again. It's so powerful and peaceful at the same time. I've never met a person not fond of the beast!

One of my best friends just gave me this awesome fur vest. I'm obsessed with fur lately, and I'm certainly excited to throw the bear on this week. Not only that but the chiffon dress I bought for a whopping $7 in Chicago.

It's so late, and 7am is going to come so fast, but sometimes I feel like every time I go to bed, I'm losing time that I could be using to do other things. But, I do love my sleep and elaborate dreams as well. So it's hard for me to go to bed, and hard for me to get up. Making it rather difficult when you are suppose to have a set schedule, but I feel more free with this lifestyle. I can let my mind wander late into the night and drag myself out of bed if necessary in the morning.

I think I'm rambling now.
Maybe I should really just go to bed.

P.S. It's March. My birthday month :]

Watch For Falling Mice

Spent all day Tuesday in Chicago with a friend. We went to the art museum for most of the day and spent the rest running around downtown. It was good to get back. I'm kind of in love with the crazy place. Here are some photos of a few of my favorite works we got to see, and of course some photos of the city. I lugged my 35mm around with me so I have some photos I need to develop too.

Sick

Been sick all week. Sucks. So behind in classes. Missed out on all the fun this weekend. Bummer man.

"if ever i get out of bed
without a kiss to the center of your head
then i never deserved you from the start
and you can let loose the wall around my heart"

Photo cred. He's just so fluffy and cute :]

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

So many dreams about planes lately. And they are really depressing dreams. I did some Google-ing and discovered according to dream analysis it could be interpreted as being afraid time is slipping away. What was it I was talking about in my last post...?

I'm reconsidering my old idea for an airplane tattoo, as it now has a deeper meaning than ever.

Photo cred.

Ma Petite Soeur

We had a beautiful little snow storm at the start of the weekend. Covered everything in this thick mix of ice and snow. You still can't properly walk on the sidewalks; it's kind of comical.

I hate how fast the weekend goes. I wish time would slow down right now. Days go too fast. There is so much going on I feel I can't hold it all in my brain. It's like trying to run with a glass full of water, all of it sloshing over the edges. Not that I'm complaining, I'm content right now, I honestly am. I guess I'm just afraid time is slipping away from me. It is in a way.

Talked to my family some tonight. It's so hard that I don't get to talk to my little sister very much. I feel like she's slipping away too. Just for awhile though. I know we'll eventually end up together. We've always been inseparable.

Photo Cred.

Goodnight, Moon.

I want a really, really big mattress without a bed frame.
Just plop it on my apartment floor,
Next to the window, ya know.
With some crisp white bedding,
It'll be perfect when the sun comes up tomorrow.

Photo Cred.
2.

I Must Become a Lion Heart Again

Can't stop listening: Florence and the Machine. Postcards from Italy, You've Got the Love the XX, Rabbit Heart. It's happy music mostly. Good for the soul, I think.

Hey, Note to Self:

Never refer to your ethnic designated driver "Sanjaya" because you don't know whats going on and you just follow the other plastered passenger's lead -- you will feel like an asshole in the morning. People have names. Ask them.

1:28am. Still not in bed. Looks like I'm gonna take a nap after Drawing and before Art History. :]

Photo from "Rabbit Heart".

Feb-roo-airy

I hate being broke! My work accidentally put my check in someone's account so I've been waiting until next payday to get my missing paycheck. Frustrating as hell, but the way I look at it, it's less money I spend now.

Girls are inevitably materialistic. I'm not allowed to buy anymore clothes until my birthday though. I cut myself off! Something had to be done...I went overboard over break. BUT for my birthday, I'm going to buy myself...

-a black clutch. Seriously, why don't I have one already? When we go out on the weekends, it really is necessary.

-a broach or vintage earrings from Von's. It's this awesome store we have here with really cheap, but beautiful, vintage jewelry. Oh, and while I'm there, I'd really like to sign up for the jewelry making classes :] This place is lined with beads along their huge walls. It's glorious.

-a few more books off my book wish list on half.com. I'm addicted to novels, and Spring Break is right after my birthday, so a girl's gotta have beach reading material!

Enough ranting about my material wishes. I hate doing that, but what can I say, I'm a girl, I like fashion, blah blah blah.

There is a sketch to be finished, hair to be colored, and a chapter to be read before bed. Yeah, something's gotta give because I know I won't get it all done...

P.S. My batteries died on my borrowed digital camera so all those lovely pictures I planned on taking of my artwork and sewing projects and outfits have been postponed. And I can't develop my 35mm film that easy so that must wait too. I really miss my camera phone! It was so easy to just snap a pic of inspiration walking to class in the morning, or a project in progress...

And I'm ranting again, ha ha. Goodnight.

Photo Cred: FRIENDZ.

Spring Cleanin

I'm ready for a change. Something. Just when I become comfortable with who I am, something has to change. I guess I'm restless.

These photos on one of my favorite blogs, BLOW, just made me miss my artificial world. The world where I did run away at sixteen. The one where I did hitchhike through the Appalachians. The one where I did end up in Florida. The one where I did smoke cigarettes with my one lover. The one where we did sit on the beach and watch the sunset and rise again just like home. The one where we had one too many scares, and we had one too many failures, and far too many lost jobs. We don't care we're going nowhere because we go somewhere else every month or so.

I'm on the right track. According to society, I'm doing the right thing. But sometimes, I'm jealous as hell of the carefree souls who live life without plans or hope and just live for the warm sunshine through the windows in the morning and the cool open sky at night.

When I'm too busy, all I see is my planner and a post-it note of to-do's. I hate that kind of life. Slow down, take it in. Be stupid, make mistakes, learn from them, kiss gently, then kiss hard and long. Walk backwards, see something you've never seen before.

I think I did that this fall. At the end of the semester, I was sick of it though, so sick. I ended up in way too much trouble and heartache than I wanted. I can't find a balance. The last thing I think I ever want to become is wrapped up in my work so much I miss the hearts walking past.

I can't listen to this new voicemail on my phone until 7pm because I'm out of anytime minutes. Lame.

Soundtrack to this post: my friend's cousin's band. THEY are adorable.

Instances

It's so insane how you can just "run into" people. Especially if you were just talking or thinking about them just a moment before. Life amazes me.

A lot on my mind. This week is about to fly by, I call it.

I need to actually get back to talking about fashion on here. This was meant to be a fashion blog... not my life ramblings. It happens, I guess.


Photo Cred.
Thinking what would have happened. Wondering why things work out the way they do.

About Me, Art, Life

I'm on such a high, nothing can pull my ankles back into the dirt. When I wake in the morning, the air feels crisp and fresh. My tired eyes look out the window with hope and excitement. I'm loving life so much these past few days. I want the hours to keep lasting as long as they do. I may be tired physically, but my appetite for life does not leave me. I've missed feeling this alive. I think I was in such a coma the last few years, now I'm leaving my cocoon with fresh legs.

Went to a gallery opening tonight and listened to the artist speak. Felt like I was back home at the studios. It was glorious. The crowd you find at such an exhibit can be flaky or deep as ever, which I think is part of the fun. Reminds me of the scene in Closer. At the photographer's exhibit. Such a beautiful scene. Such a beautiful movie really. Plus the cast is perfect.

Anyway, after everything I've been through, I feel revived. This hunger for doing something worthwhile and measurable, it's so intense. I never want it to leave. I think it's just a sign that I'm finally doing the right things with my life. I'm back in art. Home. I never want to leave it. It fills me up.

Life is good. Hope your's is too.

Voici des photos de moi, tres content ici.

Cold Nights, Snow Fights, Drunken Heights

Tonight I finished my first drawing for my class. I felt surprisingly confident with the end result. Although not completely satisfied with the overall layout and composition, it felt good to be closer to better line quality and clarity.

The snow is melting today and it's kind of sad. I miss my blanketed earth with the marks of animals scampering around on the ground. I miss watching my hot breath leave my lungs and seep into the black night.

Had a great weekend with 3 of the greatest friends I've ever had. We laughed so hard we cried. We drank so much we passed out on strangers beds. It was a beautiful thing coming back to my room at 2am and seeing all of them squished onto my futon, passed out under the soft, chinese lantern lights. One I met before my memory begins. One I met on the best night of my life. One was the tiny hello in the large hall. My girls. I know our paths may never come together for such a weekend again, but while it lasted, it was such a beautiful thing.

Laundry and reading tonight, library and drawing tomorrow.
It's so good to get back to the life I missed.

Don't Quit

Don't quit when the tide is lowest,
For it is just about to turn

Don't quit over doubts and questions,
For there's something you may learn.

Don't quit when the night is darkest,
For it's just a while 'til dawn.

Don't quit when you've run the farthest,
For the race is almost won.

Don't quit when the hill is steepest,
For your goal is almost nigh.

Don't quit for you're not a failure until you fail to try.


From a poet, to a kindergartner, to me, to you.

Art classes start Tuesday. My work-outs start tomorrow.

Photo cred.

Something to Ponder

Sexiness for everyone from Glow Berlin on Vimeo.